so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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