I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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