The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
