I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
