we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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