I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
