i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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