4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
