peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
