Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
