Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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