***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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