I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
