So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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