Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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