What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
