I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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