your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
