Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
