i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
