My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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