Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
