4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
