He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
