I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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