Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
