your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
