So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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