...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
