dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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