Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
