Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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