She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
