yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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