i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
