for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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