you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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