Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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