those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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