she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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