I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
