i always forget guys have bellybuttons
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
