im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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