don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
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I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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