I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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