Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
