if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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