dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
