um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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