i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I stole a fireplace last night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
