the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
