On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING