just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably