He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it's great music for shaving your balls
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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